"If you think that you're strong enough, if you think you belong enough"
Radiohead – Nice Dream
Diary Entry
Tuesday 25th March
Who – Captain fucking Oblivious
Events Before - We had dinner with Tyler and Lauren at Assagio's down on 4th Avenue. Edward had the Fusilli Zafferano (without the pine nuts because he's allergic), Tyler had the Rigatoni Pepperonata and Lauren and I shared a Margherita Pizza. Lauren wanted to share something else with me when we went to the bathroom, but I just wasn't in the mood. Edward had sprung this on me with only an hour to get ready and be at the restaurant. To say the least, I wasn't in the best place for bathroom hi-jinks.
You do want me to write my "feelings" down here too, don't you, Doc?
FEELINGS – Pissed off after seeing you, annoyed that I didn't have enough time to get home and have a shower before having to be all Mrs. Fucking Perfect for Edward and his work colleague. Amused that Lauren really wanted another taste of my pussy in the bathroom of a five star restaurant; which led up to being semi-turned on and hoping that maybe Edward would give me a good hard fucking, and then left feeling... bored because, as usual, there was nothing different than the other handful of times we've had sex this month.
Where – bed, missionary, what's new?
Orgasm – (really Doc, is this necessary??) He did, I didn't. Until later... would you like to know how I got off too, Doc? Would you like to know that after our little "appointment" I headed down to Lover's Package and had a wonderful time sorting through all the new toys from their latest catalog? Or that I spent some of Edward's "housekeeping" money on a few items in the clearance aisle? You really should see the pretty Red Beaver I bought. Had me coming all over Edward's office chair in two minutes flat! Then I found the reverse button and I think I saw God...
I ripped the page out in disgust. This was not going to work. How did he think me writing down any of this was going to help at all? Was reliving my endless nights of self-service, or who I did and where and how good it felt, going to "cure" me? Not that I was telling complete truths in this anyway. The big O, the big OH FUCK YESSSS! was sadly missing since the kitty's little and far too brief encounter with the Fuckanic last week.
One whole week of nothing. Edward had actually been home quite a few nights and had tried and failed. Dicktective was undercover and couldn't answer my calls, Jake was still out of town and well, I just couldn't be bothered with the rest. It had been so long since I'd called anyone anyway and I really didn't want to look desperate. I'd gone through every setting on all of my "toys" and I'd even gone as far as to pay for porn on the giant theatre sized screen in our media room.
Nothing fucking worked.
Sighing in frustration, I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the near waist length silken strands. I only kept it this long because Edward liked it and would get this look whenever I mentioned cutting it. Stupid hair-playing thing, something that I'd picked up from Edward . It annoyed me even more when my hands just ran straight through to the ends of my hair with no obstruction. Aren't you supposed to have knots in your hair after a good lay? Or even, a tangle at the very least? He couldn't even do that right.
I swiveled around on Edward's high-backed leather desk chair, facing out the windows to the perfectly manicured gardens that surrounded the house. The house - even after living here for nearly ten years - I still wouldn't call home. It had things in it that said a husband and wife lived here.
It had a mahogany hutch that held our wedding china. Closets full of our clothes, twin bay garage for both of our cars, the double sinks in the master en-suite so we could brush our teeth at the same time. Even down to the "his and her" towels his Great Aunt Mabel had given us for our first anniversary that were still in the linen press, never used.
We even had photo frames covering the grand piano in the large living room that spanned our whole relationship. A few shots from last year's trip to the Aqua Bay Club in the Cayman Islands, Edward reading some medical journal under an umbrella on the white sands, me learning to windsurf with Tad, the hot Australian instructor.
A large frame from the first winter we spent in the mountains of Colorado with his parents at their cabin, a shot his mother took of us snuggled up asleep on the couch when Edward was reading War and Peace to me. I never could get more than three pages in without passing out. He kept trying anyway to get me through that "classic". The stunning black and white shots from our wedding at St. James Cathedral in the overpriced Swarovski crystal frames his mother claimed we just had to put them in. Toward the back, semi-hidden as we'd added more and more. were my favorites.
Those were the ones from our brief stint dating before we really became serious. The strip from the photo booth at the Waterfront Arcade on our third date, Edward looked so relaxed and happy in those. Pulling faces, kissing my cheek, poking his tongue in my ear. The two of us all rugged up so much that you could just see our eyes above the scarves we were wearing out on the Ferry over Puget Sound, when Edward had shown me where we were going to live.
We had a passing couple take our photo, just after he'd pointed out his grandmother's home, which would become our house once we came back from our honeymoon. Apparently, it was in her will that when her only grandson married he should have her home to live in and make more happy memories.
I wonder if she would consider the time we'd spent living in her house as happy memory-making? Would she be happy that Edward had made such a good name for himself? That he was one of the most sought after surgeons on the west coast, if not the country? That he had universities and colleges begging him to do guest speaking spots? That he took these tours regularly and left me at home with nothing to do but the few hours that I volunteered down at the outreach center for troubled teens?
The extremely rare hours that I was able to spend down at the Outreach Center were important. They were the one last thing I had to hold onto from the time before I'd met Edward. Before I'd become the wife of the perfect Doctor Masen. The one thing that I refused to let go of because of what it meant to me, of who it reminded me of every time I walked in through the front doors. The one thing I still had of him, apart from memories. As much as Edward and his father tried to coerce me, it was the one part of my life that I wouldn't give up. No matter the cost.
Edward and his father had such a different relationship than I had had with my own. Sure, they were alike in many ways. Both were men of few words. Both thought they knew what was best for their children. Both would do anything for their families.
However, my Dad had always been there. I had commented on the fact we never did anything together, like I'd seen my best friend Angela do with her Dad. He may have been a pastor and busy tending his "flock" and all, but he took her for ice cream every Friday after school. He made time for his only daughter out of his three children, special Daddy Daughter time.
My dad would have thought Daddy Daughter time included some type of amazingly embarrassing "talk" on something that he thought the school nurse should take care of. He gave me a bunch of excuses every time I brought it up; there was his work, and his small amount of downtime. How we did in fact go to dinner every Thursday as a family at the Lodge and I could always go fishing with him and my brother.
Fishing, like that was ever going to be an option. I was bored out of my brain anytime he did manage to drag me along. Even though I didn't mind putting bait on the line, if the fish weren't biting I just wanted to be home. It was more of a male bonding thing and it wasn't like I hadn't noticed the death stares Marcus would send me when I actually went along.
I made do with the occasional fishing trip, sitting with him and watching the Mariners games, but when Marcus left for college things changed. It was the first time Charlie had really been separated from either of his kids, and as happy as he was that Marcus got a scholarship to UW as one of the up and coming players on the Diamond Dogs' baseball team, he was going to miss his son. Marcus and Dad were closer than just father and son; with Mom leaving us when I was three and Marcus was five, he'd taken on more than just your average fatherly role.
He and Marcus were extremely close - all of us were - but when my big brother left for college, Dad suddenly found his Saturdays empty. Instead of throwing the old pig skin around or playing catch and shooting the breeze with Marcus every afternoon, he was left with me. Charlie really was at a loss. For three weeks after my brother was gone, Dad and I moved around the house like strangers. It became awfully obvious that the only thing that had kept the conversation moving between us was Marcus and the silence in our home was deafening.
The only thing that was a constant was baseball, once Marcus decided to focus on that instead of football. Dad and I would watch games together, cursing and hissing and cheering when things went our way... or not, whatever the case was. Then when Marcus' preseason started, so did our talking. Dad and I would make the trip down to the field as much as possible. We were at every home game and even made it out to a few away ones. Dad hadn't ever really taken much time off when we were growing up, preferring to have the horrid, moth ball scented Mrs. Cope look after us while he worked, so he had tons of hours to cash in.
I loved being close to Dad. I loved that we bonded over scores, and trades and whose arm was looking good this game. I loved just having my Dad to myself. It even brought me closer to Marcus. We were perfectly happy in our dysfunctional little trio. Perfectly happy for three years. Even when I'd managed to join Marcus at UW, communication between the three of us was stronger than ever.
All it takes is one moment. One second of hesitation to change your whole world.
One second. A yes instead of a no, a right not a left, a red light not a green, an "I'll meet you there", from a "we'll pick you up for lunch". One small, seemingly inconsequential change in a set plan leading to an irreversible outcome.
"No, Dad. Really, I can get there on my own, I'm nearly finished my shift and it's only a short drive." God I just wanted to get off the phone and start flirting with the cute, disheveled and always tired looking greek god who had just entered the store. If I didn't get my ass out there in time that slutty looking Miranda would be serving him his venti ice with six shots of espresso layered over the top.
"Bells, your brother and I aren't that far away. You can keep making eyes at whatever young man you have in your sights later." Why oh why did I have to have a police officer for a father? I didn't even have to mention where I was, or who I was with and he just knew.
"I'm not flirting!" I whispered, feeling my face turn bright red just as his eyes met mine. Fuck, blush wasn't the word for the shade of red my cheeks just turned. What was it about him that turned me to mush the minute he walked into the campus coffee shop?
"Isabella."
"Dad?" his voice was fainter down the line.
"Isabella."
"Dad I can't hear you!"
"Isabella."
"Dad!" I felt panic rising in my chest as his voice faded further and further.
"Isabella, love. You need to wake up. You were shouting so loud I could hear you from the bedroom." Edward's hand on my shoulder was light but enough to shake me out of the scene playing out in my subconscious.
Jasper's notebook was laying open and the words I had written during the week now smudged with the small pool of drool that accumulated there in my unexpected slumber. Before I knew it, I was lifted up and out of the chair and settled on Edward's lap with his arms wrapped around my shaking form.
"Shh, sweetheart. It's okay, I've got you now." His warm hand rubbed soothing circles across the small of my back as I clutched at his bare shoulders. I needed to feel this comfort. I needed Edward to make it all disappear just like he had so many times before.
I felt his lips rain down light kisses over the top of my head. His voice whispering calming words over and over as I snuggled into his embrace. If there was one thing that Edward had always been good at, it was the solace I found in his arms in times like these. I pressed my ear close to his chest, letting the rhythmic pounding of his heart calm down my own.
Stupid fucking Jasper and his stupid questions. Always pushing me to look at my past and see what caused everything in my life to change. It wasn't me. Not all of this was my fault. Every time I came back from his sessions my dreams were overtaken by that one night. It was worse when Edward wasn't home, which with work and the few other engagements he'd had to attend, was often.
After a few minutes my shuddering breaths evened out and the tears that had rolled down my cheeks had all but dried. I released the tension in my hands still gripping his shoulders tightly and instead caressed the fingernail marks I'd left with the pads of my fingers.
"I'm sorry," I whispered into his chest, watching as the fine bronze curls there fluttered as my words washed over them.
"What are you sorry for, love? I should be the one who's sorry. I've been so busy this week that I didn't even realize what today was. I'm the one who should be sorry, sweetheart." The hand that had been rubbing my back moved to join the other cupping my face. He sat back, tilting my head so our eyes met.
There. That there. That was the man I'd fallen for back in college. Those liquid emerald eyes that showed care and concern. The little line that formed in his forehead when he was serious about something and wanted me to listen to what he had to say. The exact same face he gave me the night he asked for my hand.
A strange feeling started in my stomach before spreading its way through my body. A feeling I hadn't felt with him in such a long time. Love, assurance, acceptance.
"You're here now, Edward. That's all that matters." I closed the space between us in a fraction of a second.
His soft lips met mine as I twisted my body on the chair to straddle his waist. The pad of his thumbs brushed up and over my cheek bones as his tongue flicked across my lips, asking for entrance. I opened my mouth, my tongue eagerly seeking his as my fingers slipped up over his shoulders and toyed with the soft hair at the nape of his neck. Our kiss that had started out slow and sweet gathered momentum and became more passionate. I could feel his cock stirring through the thin material of his gray cotton sleeping pants. I couldn't help but grind my hips in a leisurely circle over his hard member.
"Oh, love," he murmured as his mouth moved away from mine, leaving slow, tender kisses from the corner of my mouth to my jawline. I pressed my chest against his, a familiar ache between my legs igniting into a slow burn that needed more friction to grow into a full flame. I wanted him. I wanted him so much more.
"Please, Edward. Please," I begged, reaching between us to pull at the drawstring, wanting to touch him. My fingers slipped under the loosened material and as his tongue lathed my collarbone in slow sweeping motions, my fingertips found his cock. He was hot, hard and soft all at the same time under my touch and I couldn't help but trace his length softly as I brought him quickly out of the material restraints.
"God...," he hissed, his breathing becoming more and more uneven as I lifted myself closer. Edward shifted down in the chair enough so I could feel my wet and waiting entrance as my hand stroked up towards the tip of his cock.
Beep.. Beep.. Beep!
"Leave it, baby. Please, we need this." I moved slightly forward, if he raised his hips, if he just moved an inch, we'd be there.
I felt his hands slip down to my hips. Oh fuck yes! Maybe this was it! Maybe this could be the end to the drought! PLEASE let this be the end to the missing Orgasmic Bliss that I have lived with far too long to miss out on now. Fuck Doctor Jasper Cullen. I knew what my body needed and THIS was it!
"Isabella."
"No, we need this. I need this, Edward!" I begged, feeling his hands grip tighter at my waist, lifting me up and off his body and placing my feet back on the floor.
"Mother of fuck, Edward! What could be more important than you getting your nut off with your fucking wife for fuck sakes!" I ranted, pulling my slip back down my thighs from where it had ridden up. This was so fucking unfair.
I watched as he tucked himself back in, running one hand through his hair before reaching around me to pick up his beeper from where it lay beside the phone. He couldn't be fucking serious!
"That's the hospital. I have to go, Isabella. I have no choice, they wouldn't call if it wasn't an emergency," he sighed, his hand moving to rest on my shoulder.
I shook it off and turned my back on him, facing the windows where the sun had already begun to rise. The dew on the trees was glistening as I felt one traitorous tear roll down my cheek. Fuck this, I didn't want to cry over being let down yet again. I scrubbed at it with the back of my hand, hearing yet another long sigh from his direction.
"I'll call you when I can. Maybe we can continue this when I get home?" His voice was full of hope, I hated that he had to sound like that. If he just gave in for once and was spontaneous then..
"I have dinner with Angela tonight. I don't know when I'll be home." I kept my tone even and snipped every word. I was so fucking disappointed. Just when I thought we were turning a corner and… fuck. Nothing, again.
"Okay then. Well, I'll call you anyway." I listened as his steps echoed across the wooden floor, stopping short for a moment at what I gathered was the door.
"I love you, Isabella. Please remember that." His voice was so soft, if it hadn't been for the early morning and silent house I probably wouldn't have heard it. And just like that, I was left feeling like the bad one once more. Dinner and drinks couldn't come fast enough.
I fussed and flittered around the house until four, ignoring the three phone calls from Edward. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to see him. I was still so annoyed at the way the morning had gone. One moment, he's doing that thing where he makes me feel so safe and whole and then we're kissing and feeling and touching and... yeah, his beeper. Fucking work.
Why did I have to have the most dedicated surgeon at Seattle Presbyterian for a husband? Why couldn't I have the husband that was semi-decent at his job and would take an early morning screw with his wife over whatever so-called emergency situation was occurring at work.
I mean really, what type of emergency could it be? He was a plastic surgeon for crying out loud!
Did some bimbo's boob explode? Was there a tummy that needed to be tucked or someone's life would end?
Frustration was beginning to become my middle name. No more Sexy B. She was on the freaking back burner, dying a slow non-orgasmic bliss related death.
I took my time getting ready; taking a long soak in the jacuzzi and shaving my legs even though I had them waxed a week ago. I primped and prodded my hair into soft curls that fell in gentle waves down my back. I spritzed my Midnight Desire perfume in all the obvious places and then some and then sat down and applied yet another coat of clear polish to my Scarlet Pimpernell red nails.
Once they were dry I slipped on some sheer black thigh highs and clipped them to the bottom of my black satin corset and finished my half dressed look with my animal print Louboutin heels. I wandered downstairs to the wet bar and poured myself a little afternoon gin and tonic and sat my ass down on the leather lounge, watching a little TMZ before I had to finish off my look.
At a quarter to five I put my red Valentino wrap on, tucked my little black Gucci clutch under my arm and set the alarm on the house as I headed out. I conveniently forgot my cell phone on Edward's bedside table. Let him make of that what he would. Though knowing Edward, he'd be so tired when he got home that he'd just shower and fall into bed. Like every other time he got called into work.
I arrived at the club with a few minutes to spare and found Angela at the back, sitting alone at one of the tables. When her eyes met mine she waved me over, a huge smile on her face that turned red as she tried to stand. I giggled as she pushed off the back of the booth, easing her eight month round belly up and out of the seat. Girl should know by now to sit in the chair with the arms.
"Bitch!"
"Slut!"
I wrapped my arms around her as much as I could and hugged her tightly. Angela had always been there, through every little and big moment. She was the one other person apart from myself that I knew I could rely on. She was my roommate in college and after Dad and Marcus left, we'd bonded over a shared love of 80's films like The Lost Boys and The Goonies. Okay, it was more a shared crush on Corey Feldman but that was neither here nor there. She was the first one I called when Edward asked me to marry him. I was the first one she called after she and Ben, her fiancé of forever, found out they were pregnant with twins.
"You're getting so fat, babe!" I teased, kissing her cheek as I ushered her around to the comfy chair and took her spot on the bench. Thank you baby jebus for little bottles of amber goodness and thank you for my best pal Angela Weber who is thoughtful enough to buy the first round before I arrive. I picked up the frosted bottle and tipped it to my lips, not stopping until it was empty.
I slammed the empty bottle down on the table and wiped my lips unceremoniously with the back of my hand. I knew this lipstick was smear proof, I'd done a lot worse than just rub it with the back of my hand before tonight. I looked up and noticed the raised eyebrow Ang was giving me, her hands crossed above her bulging belly.
"And you're not getting laid. What's the deal, Swan? Spill." She smirked, the blue strips of color in her mostly ebony locks glinting in the soft over head lights.
I took a deep breath, and signaled the bored looking bartender for another round.
"Oh, that good huh?" she chuckled.
Oh.. if only you knew..
~***~
Over the next hour or so I explained how things were going with the doc, how Edward and I were.. working things through. Then... then I got to the nitty gritty and the shame that was my missing, most likely gone on extended vacation. Orgasm.
"So no big O since last week?" Ang asked, lifting the glass containing half of the virgin bloody mary that she'd already consumed before I got here to her lips.
I nodded, sucking down a quarter of my corona. Hmm, to follow with a patron chaser or not? Hell, this conversation was taking a turn for the most interesting, a little further liquid lubrication couldn't help.
"It's not for lack of trying, I'm telling you. You want another? Because I do believe I'll need a few more before this talk is through." I stood up, flattening the back of my dress over my legs and headed to the bar without waiting for an answer.
It wasn't too busy for a Friday night at the Tap House Grill. It was a favorite haunt of Ang's and mine. Emphasis on the was; back in the days before Ben and their imminent baby arrival, we hung out here every Friday, more often if Edward was at work or out of town. Now it was virgin cocktails for her and I felt like the loser friend that should drink less around her but somehow always drank more.
I swung my hips from side to side, brushing up against the manly men folk that were in my path. I'd been feeling on edge since the disappearance of any type of orgasmic tendency last week. My body was constantly humming with that need, that electric charge to just.. feel more. I craved that extreme pleasurable high that, at this stage, even my hand wasn't giving me anymore.
As I pushed aside the crowd, a glint of gold shone like a beacon, calling from afar.
I knew that hair.
I knew the shoulder that I could now see as someone of less significance moved from behind him after collecting their drinks.
I stepped closer, leaning in so my lips were just above his ear. "Well fancy meeting you here, Doc."
I sidled up beside him, letting my hand trail from where I had lightly placed it on his shoulder down his arm coming to rest atop his thigh.
He turned then, a smirk already playing about those perfectly lickable lips.
I could see the sparkle in those crystal blue eyes that he shared with another. From behind his rectangular frames a cocked eyebrow was all I needed to know that he wanted to play just like I did.
"Mrs. Masen, it has been a while." The hand that was casually sitting a few inches from mine on his leg moved to rest on the small of my back. With the slightest of pressure he guided me closer to his body.
Maybe he wouldn't be the one that got away at all.
Maybe he was the answer to all my current orgasmic problems.
"It certainly has Carlisle, it certainly has."
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