Genre: Twilight - Angst / Romance
Characters: Jasper/Bella
Details: AH
Rating: M/R
Warnings: Strong Language,
Post Word Count: 4838
Status: Completed
Beta'd By: ahizelm
Summary: ""You see, I was the best friend. The boy she'd grown up with since we were both in diapers. The boy she'd made mud pies with on the nature strip that joined our houses. The boy she came to with all her secrets, swearing blood oaths that we'd never betray one another. The boy whom she had relegated to friend status before he could do anything about the feelings he had for - feelings that had somehow, overnight, changed from brotherly to something much, much more.
But now she was coming home, and I was going to finally let her know just how I felt..."
What happens if you get one last chance to show the girl of your dreams just what could have been..."
Written for SorceressCirce birthday.
~ooOOoo~ The Girl Next Door ~ooOOoo~
-----From: I. Walker at NashvilleStarRecords. net
To: J. Whitlock at PortAngelesTechnical. com
Subject: Coming Home
Hey Jester! I'll be in town next weekend, taking a break from touring before I have to head back into the studio in September. Is your offer still good for bunking in your spare room? I've missed you, Jay. I'm so glad you got back in touch!
Let me know if it's okay, otherwise I'll have my manager arrange for something else.
- Belly xoxo
-----
If my email were a letter, the paper would have been virtually ruined by the amount of times I'd read it. I had even memorized it so at night before I fell asleep I could hear the words in my head. The same words that had me getting hard at the thought of her being here, and the thought that she actually remembered who I was.
Isabella Higgenbotham.
That's the girl I grew up with so long ago. Not the Izzy Swan that she'd became to the public since her first EP was pressed. No, I'd grown up with the beautiful, talented girl next door with the weird sounding last name. Isabella Higgenbotham, who was the first girl I'd ever had a crush on and probably the only one I'd never done anything about. She was the one that got away, without ever really being mine in the first place.
You see, I was the best friend. The boy she'd grown up with since we were both in diapers. The boy she'd made mud pies with on the nature strip that joined our houses. The boy she came to with all her secrets, swearing blood oaths that we'd never betray one another. The boy whom she had relegated to friend status before he could do anything about the feelings he had for - feelings that had somehow, overnight, changed from brotherly to something much, much more.
xxxFlashback…
"Oh no, Garrett, it's not like that at all," she paused and I could see a worried look on her face. Her pale as ivory skin had flushed a deep scarlet as she paced the floor in front of her window. Her window that was all of a few feet from mine, and in the light, we could see each other.
It was night though, and as much as I knew I could turn on the light and she wouldn't care that I was here, I was content to just watch. She was twisting her long chestnut pony tail end in one hand while holding the phone up to her other ear. Her teeth tearing at her full bottom lip as she listened to whatever charm Garrett was giving her on the other end of the line. He'd only just started at Forks High a few weeks ago and had been pursuing Bella avidly from the moment that he walked into our fifth period Biology class his first day.
Even all annoyed and frustrated, she was beautiful. As she bent forward to pick up something from in front of the window, I had my first glimpse of her milky white globes as the v neck of her sweatshirt fell forward basically letting me see everything, including a blushing pink nipple.
Hello, hard on…
"He's just a friend, that's all. Jasper's been my biology partner since forever."
Goodbye, hard on…
"Oh alright, I'll talk to Jessica about swapping with me. It won't be an easy sell, but if it makes you feel better..." She grinned, closing the blinds between us and for the first time, closing me out.
…Flashback Endxxx
She was coming back to town and she was coming back to see me. I read the email again for probably the fiftieth time and then shut down my laptop. Looking about my living room, I figured I could probably give it one more quick clean before she arrived. Only three hours and forty six minutes till then. Not that I was counting. Not that I had been counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days and the few months since we'd become friend on Facebook. Not that I squealed and danced oddly like Chandler from Friends when I saw her note about catching up when she came to Washington next. No, not me, I was cooler than that.
I'd agonized over clicking on her "Add as a Friend" button for weeks. I hadn't even looked her up, figuring she'd be too popular and famous to actually have a Facebook account. But, when I was looking through our Yearbook group page I saw her name and knew from her baby photo that it was her.
I'd let my mouse hover over the add button for minutes on end. Then I'd freak out, certain that she wouldn't remember who I was after all these years and quickly close the screen. All it took, though, was one slip of my finger at the wrong time when Eric walked into my office and bam... the key was pressed and there was no take backsies.
I avoided my personal email for days in case there was a message from her. It took me a week before I finally opened it, and once I'd sifted through the usual spam and funny forwards there it was.
BellyBoo1 to JayWstyle
Wondertwin Powers Activate in the form of Gods of Rock! Oh, Jay it's been so long! Do you remember how we used to dress up as Kiss every Halloween and argue over who got to be The Demon and who got to be Starchild? We'll have to catch up really soon, I don't have a direct number because of all the crazies. Besides, I'm constantly losing my cell. Maybe we can talk over Skype or something? If you want to... I've missed you, Jester.
Bella
I don't think my smile could have been any wider. She remembered me. She remembered everything. Right down to the stupid Wondertwin nonsense we'd been saying since we were all of seven years old.
I remembered the last time we'd dressed up for Halloween. It was one of those nights that slipped through my fingers again…
xxxFlashback…
I had just put on the last of my black makeup and started retouching part of my white, stopping only to rock out with some air guitar during "Rock and Roll All Night". It may have been weird for a sixteen-year-old to still dress up for Halloween, but it was something we'd been doing since we were three, and our mothers first dressed us as the Raggedy twins. It was tradition and Bella had promised that she would come out Trick or Treating with me around our neighborhood before a night of slasher films instead of going to the huge party Lauren was throwing.
I might have complained that I hadn't seen her since Garrett had started to take an interest in her. I might have guilted her into agreeing with a well placed pout and whine that had, in the past, never failed to get her into mischief with me. Whatever. It worked and I had no qualms about wanting to spend the night with her without feeling like the third wheel. I hated it when she invited me out in these so called "group date situations". They only ended with whatever girlfriend she had set me up with freaking out and disappearing the moment we were left alone. Bella just didn't understand that, at least to the population of Forks High, I was just the geeky tech guy who lived next door to the nicest girl in town.
That night it was just going to be the two of us. If I could keep my stomach contents down and the stuttering to a minimum, I might be able to talk with her about us. Or at least make my feelings known. I looked out across the yard to her window, noticed the blinds were closed, and hoped that meant she was getting dressed. I turned down "Dressed to Kill" and opened my window, shuddering in the cool air while I reached for the string line of bells that still joined our two houses.
Just as my fingers gripped the end of the cord, I heard a familiar laugh bubbling up from down below. I stopped, frozen at the sound of two voices I knew, one of which I didn't expect to hear.
"What the fuck is that noise coming from Geeksper's house?" his deep southern tone, the one that had all the girls fawning over him when he arrived six months back, echoed between our houses.
"Don't you know who Kiss is?" she giggled, and as I peered out the window I saw them. She wasn't in her costume - well she was in acostume; the tiniest denim skirt - the streetlight exposed the round swell of her ass cheeks peeking from the bottom - and a red and white checkered short sleeve top that barely covered her midriff.
I hadn't seen such a large expanse of her skin, glowing ethereally in the milky light, since we were kids. She had her beautiful chestnut hair in pigtails and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest when his hand left her hip, pulling the straw cowboy hat from his head and placing it gently on hers.
"Awe, Bella, you know I don't listen to that old school crap. It's country for me, babe, not that weird shit. I thought you said you didn't like it anymore." He gripped her ass, pulling her closer to his tall, lanky frame. My heart stopped beating and my breath stuck in my throat.
"I don't, I guess," she sighed. "And quit calling him that, Garrett, he's my best friend and he's gonna be pretty annoyed that I'm going out with you instead of him tonight, so drop the name calling please." Bella began batting her small hands against his chest. He only grabbed at them, pulling them up around his neck, and bent closer to her. I heard him mumble something like 'alright, sugar' and then her head tipped to the side, the hat covering whatever was going on between them.
They walked off not long after, his arm wrapped around her side as they jumped into his large, white truck. The loud rumble of the engine was my only company as I sat on the window seat, frustrated that, once again, the girl I knew and loved was changing just for some guy. Somehow, I didn't think I was going to be able to keep up with all of it.
…Flashback Endxxx
Turning off the Hoover, I was satisfied that I'd made my house presentable. I'd only vacuumed it three times in as many hours. It really couldn't get any cleaner. I walked into the kitchen and started on creating the night's meal. I planned on showing Bella just how much I knew about her - well had known about her. I had all her favorites; the spaghetti and meatballs that Bella would find an excuse to have dinner with us when my Mom made them. I'd even tracked down a box of Berry Berry Extraordinaryfor dessert.
I really wanted to make a good impression. I wanted to show her that even after all these years, I could still be the best friend that once upon a time was her confidante. I'd kept up to date with most of the goings on in her life through our parents. I knew about her love life, good and bad. I knew about how her music was not only being heard and loved here, but around the world. I knew that she still didn't like to have her picture taken.
I could see that same pained look in her eyes in every photo. Every line around her eyes that meant she hadn't been getting enough sleep. There was only so much they could do with lighting and makeup to cover those things, and I could still see them. Her face was always the best way to read how she was coping in any situation. From the sparkle in her eyes to the way she ducked her chin just a little lower than normal, I could read her like an open book.
There was a slight downturn in the left corner of her smile. To most, it would be unnoticeable, but to me, it said she was unhappy.
xxxFlashback…
We walked along the rock pools, chatting about nothing in particular and I couldn't have been happier. It was the first weekend I'd spent with her in weeks. I'd missed her presence in my life incredibly. Without Bella, my social life - what little of it there was - had shrunk to nothing. She had been busy. She had the Homecoming dance to help coordinate, not to mention pep rallies with that boyfriend of hers.
Garrrett Walker. Prodigal son, golden child of Forks High Schools winning football team. Go Spartans!
Garrett Walker, who with his southern charm and sandy blond hair and muscles and popularity was everything I wasn't. Everything that she obviously wanted and what I could never be.
It was when I heard her mournful sigh for the tenth time that afternoon that I couldn't keep the questions I'd been wanting to ask her to myself any longer.
"Belly, what's wrong? You've been sighing on and off all afternoon and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with the lack of finding any starfish in the rock pools so far." I tried to keep it light, but as she froze beside me, I knew I'd hit on something important. When she reached out to take my hand from where it had lay tingling between us - wanting to touch her but not wanting to break the personal space bubble we usually traveled in - I jumped a mile.
She either didn't notice or ignored it as she thread her fingers through mine, squeezing lightly. I looked up from where I'd been staring at the new found connection between us and, for a moment - one brief second - I felt a spark of hope . . .
Until I met her eyes.
Sadness swirled grey ribbons around the outside of the usually molten chocolate. The left side of her smile didn't match the right, quivering a little as she spoke.
"Can we talk?"
I nodded as she pulled on my hand and directed us over to a large outcrop of rocks that didn't appear to be as wet from the drizzle as those we'd walked through earlier. I was lost in the fact that her hand was in mine, so lost that I actually walked into the back of her when she stopped before me.
"Sorry," I muttered sheepishly, feeling my own face redden as I pushed my glasses back up my nose before sitting down beside her. The wind was picking up from over the ocean, sending icy cold salt sprays in our direction. Bella shivered and snuggled into my side, gripping my hand tightly from where it sat atop my thigh. My whole left side was tingling from the close proximity of her body to mine. She was like a white hot flame, burning bright beside me, seeping into my skin through my clothes, setting fire to the ache that was always in the background when it came to her.
She shuddered again, and I wondered if she felt what I was feeling sitting here like this, with her. "So I guess you've heard?" her words were soft against the sound of the waves crashing in the distance. I had to lean closer to hear here. That's what I told myself I was doing anyhow.
"Heard what, Belly? All I know is you're not looking happy. You've been half smiling and laughing a little too hard at my attempts at humor today. What's going on?"
She sighed again, deep, low and mournful. Whatever this was about, it couldn't be good. I felt that ache in my chest, right where my heart was, echoing the tone of her sigh inside my own body. I hated that something, or most likely someone made her feel that way. However, she was here with me and she asked me to talk. Maybe this was my opportunity to show her that it didn't have to be this way. I could show her that there were options, and I would do my damnedest to give her them, to give her the world if she let me.
"Really, Belly. You know you can tell me. I haven't seen you smile in so long. Not really smile, anyway. Not like - you remember that time we were walking through that creek and I sank into the mud up to my thigh? You laughed so hard you nearly wet your pants and when -"
She was already laughing, and the smile I knew - my smile - was shining like the bright glow of a full moon in the dark of a cold winter's night.
"When I tried to help you, I got my foot caught in a tree root and fell on top of you, pushing you even further into the mud!" Her body pressed again into my side, both of us laughing so loudly we disturbed a flock of sea birds walking along the beach front. Without realizing what I was doing until it was done, I'd dropped her hand and wrapped my arm around her back, squeezing her shoulder as we rocked together, lost in one of our many shared childhood memories.
"Oh, Jasper. You always know what to say to make me forget everything that's going on," she murmured, her head tucked under the crook of my neck. I rested my chin atop her head. From this vantage point, I could smell the sweet citrus scent of her shampoo mixed with the ocean air in her hair.
"Endless tales from our misspent youth are always sure to entertain." I rolled my eyes, secretly relishing the fact that she was virtually sitting on my lap.
Her chuckles slowed until she breathed out a long sigh, moving her head back to rest against my shoulder. The whole side of my body lit up like a live wire, Having her this close to me just felt right. How she couldn't see that we could be so much more than just Jester and Belly was beyond me.
"That's what makes this so much harder," she whispered, turning even further into my chest, her head resting atop my rapidly beating heart. It took all of my effort to just continue breathing from her almost too personal proximity.
I gulped. "Makes what harder, Belly?" My fingers itched to reach out and cup her chin, turn her face up to mine so I could attempt to read what was sure to be hidden in the dark depths of her eyes. I resisted, knowing that she'd tell me in her own time, not wanting to push her any further considering how worked up she appeared to be about telling me.
"Talking to you about this, once I actually say it out loud, Jay, it's going to change everything. And… and I'm just not sure I want it to." Her voice was just about breaking over the words. I could hear the emotion behind her tone, and I was starting to freak out. Thoughts of teen pregnancies, terminal illness and a death in the family rocketed around my head.
"Belly, it's me. Just spit it out. You know nothing, nothing will ever tear us apart. Friends for life, remember?" I turned her hand over in mine, rubbing over the spot where, once upon a time, two ten-year-olds pricked their fingers with a pin to form bonds of friendship with blood.
"I know. It's just hard. I . . . I love you so much, Jasper." Her voice broke over my name and faintly, above the whooshing noise that was currently assaulting my ears, I realized she was crying. My whole body was tense. It seemed like time had frozen still with those three words. Three words I'd longed to hear and right now - even if it was just in friendship - I'd take them.
"I love you too, Belly. Always," I whispered, my fingers finally achieving their goal of tilting her chin up, letting me see the pain and sadness in her dark brown eyes. As she blinked, choking on a word, a tear escaped, rolled down the apple of her cheek and hit the side of my index finger.
"Tell me, Belly. Nothing can be so bad that you're getting as worked up as this," I softened my tone, offering her all the reassurance I could in my words.
"I'm leaving, Jasper. After we graduate, I'm leaving."
I chuckled, letting out a long sigh of relief. "I know, Belly. We're all leaving, remember? We're going on that road trip to Santa Monica so we can listen to that Everclear song you like so much on the beach to watch the sunset before we start our adult lives. If you're still freaked out about driving, it's okay. I don't mind doing all of it. It just means we'll have to stop a few extra places along the way so I can get some sleep. I haven't had a chance to use that tent your mother gave me for my birthday this year so maybe it'll get a work out." I shook my head with a light laugh, hugging her close to my body and pressing a kiss, almost without thought, to the top of her head.
"Trust you to get all weird about leaving home, Belly. We'll be fine as long as we're together." I squeezed her shoulder again, another chuckle slipping from my lips as I stared out across the rocky outcrop to the sea beyond.
"No, Jasper. I'm…" she stood up then, walking a few feet in front of me, her arms wrapped around her torso. It had turned a little cold thanks to the cloud cover, which had become more dense as the day wore on. I had offered her my jacket earlier that afternoon, but she was always too stubborn to admit when she needed things. I moved to stand up, already shrugging my arms out of the blue waterproof coat when she stopped me with her words.
"Please, Jasper. Please just stay there. This is harder than I thought it would be and if I look at you right now. It'll be even more impossible." I sat back down, my heart now thumping wildly for a completely different reason than before.
"When I said I'm leaving, Jay, I didn't mean on our road trip. Garrett and I are going to Austin. He's got an uncle there in the recording industry and he thinks he might be able to help us with my music career. I mean, it's not a definite offer of a recording deal or anything. Hell, it could just be singing backup, but the thing is, Jay . . . I won't just be doing birthday parties and bat mitzvah's anymore. It's a real chance and I can't afford to turn it down. I have to at least try for Garrett's sake."
Her words rushed together and if I hadn't known her better, I wouldn't have been able to pick up any of what she'd just verbally vomited. I knew she loved music and I knew she played in a band with him - it had been another reason amongst the many I'd not seen her much.
I'd heard her sing over the years and she had a beautiful voice, but she was this serious about it? Enough to throw away the college education that we had always planned to experience together? That we had planned since ... well since we found my mother's photo album filled with memories her own Harvard experience years ago. What had changed? What could I say to this? I couldn't speak. Mywords were completely lost. She's leaving? With him?
"Yes, Jay, with him. That's the other thing I have to tell you." I had unknowingly voiced aloud the questions I thought I'd asked in my head. She started pacing then, her gaze locked on the ground in front of her.
"There's more?"
She stopped again, turning to face me with both apprehension and . . . excitement, playing over the features that regularly appeared in my daydreams, night dreams even.
"Garrett..." She chuckled nervously, moving her fingers to play with the frayed edge of the friendship band that I'd plaited for her when we'd attended a craft lesson her mother ran one summer. The twin to the one that was sitting quite tightly on my wrist, beside the X-men watch she'd given me two years ago.
"This shouldn't be so hard," she whispered, almost to herself. She took a deep breath and raised her head, and locked her eyes on mine.
"Garrett asked me to marry him, Jasper. We're engaged. We haven't told anyone but our parents. We're hoping to have the ceremony sometime in the summer when you get back from college and all. And, I talked to Garrett and he's willing to have you as one of his groomsmen, seeing as you know, you're a guy and all so you can't really be my bridesmaid." She giggled, her fingers still twisting the cotton ends of the washed out versions of the pattern on the bracelet I had made for her. It was while she was doing that that I noticed the plain gold band sitting across the third finger of her left hand for the first time.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat; the bile or sob that wanted to escape needed to stay put whilst I processed just exactly what she'd said. My hand moved of its own volition, pointing to hers. She looked between us and the small crease in her forehead deepened as she figured out what I was pointing at.
"Oh, yeah. Well, I wanted to show you but I didn't really . . . I mean. I wasn't sure if you . . ." She stuttered, taking a step toward me and turning the band around on her finger to reveal the stone setting that was hidden from sight before.
Of course, it was beautiful. It was probably some family heirloom that had been handed down from the first time his great greats set foot in Texas. It was a rock for all intents and purposes and I actually wondered how her dainty hand could possibly hold up the weight.
"It's beautiful right? It's been in his family for generations. I almost didn't wear it today because I was sure I'd lose it but, you know, once he put it on my finger it felt kind of wrong to even contemplate taking it off." She giggled again, making short work of the little space left between us, crouching down in front of me.
Her eyes were full of excitement; her whole face was lit up with it. She was positively glowing with happiness and I was numb. I could see she wanted reassurance, wanted to know that I thought it was okay. Wanted me to be happy for her when in reality, I was anything but.
"Jasper, please say something. I know I've disappointed you about the trip and all, but this is my future - my future with Garrett and the opportunity of a lifetime. Can't you be happy for me Jay? Please, please tell me you're happy for me." Her bottom lip quivered just slightly. Just enough for my voice to return at the thought that my silence - even while my heart was shattered and the tinkling sounds of its broken parts were scattering around within me - was enough to cause that quiver. That break in her happiness for one second brought me back to my senses.
I cleared my throat, "Sorry, Belly, I'm just shocked I guess. Of course I'm happy for you. I just, I had no idea you really wanted music to be your thing. I thought it was just for fun." The words spewed forth from my mouth and even as I said them, I knew they weren't what in my heart I longed to say . . .
"No I'm not happy! How on earth could you possibly expect me to be happy when you're running off with that rodeo clown to throw away your life over something like the music business where they chew up and spit out sweet, young, innocent things like you before their morning coffee! I love you! You belong with me! We should be going to college together, getting married in my parents' backyard under the same tree where we shared our first kiss. We should be the ones making a life together, not you and him and this stupid pipe dream that will only crush you when it all goes bust. Me, Bella, you should be with me!"
… Flashback End xxx
I didn't say any of that, of course. I nodded my head, told her I was happy and held in the tangled mess of emotions inside while she threw her hands around my neck and peppered my face with kisses.
I said nothing as the last few weeks of school sped past us, and I even waved goodbye to her and the man that stole her away from me that early morning when her dad drove them to the airport.
I'd wallowed for weeks afterwards. I canceled my trip to California. It wasn't like a road trip on my own would be any fun. I put off leaving for NYU till the very last second, hoping somehow that she'd give up on Garrett and the idea of getting into the music business and come back home. Come back to me.
Of course she didn't, and as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I continued to live in the past of what could have been. Eventually, though, life moved on. I moved on. I never went home for the holidays, finding excuse after excuse not to return. I'd convinced my parents to come visit me - a holiday out of state once a year would do them a world of good.
I didn't go to the wedding.
The day I got the invitation, I drank myself into a stupor with a bottle of whiskey I'd convinced some guy on the street to buy with my sob story. I'd heard from Mom that it was coming, but to holding the fancy cream paper in my hands just made it all the more real. It was three years after the original date she wanted, they'd had to push it back as her career started taking off.
The first time I heard her voice on commercial radio, I bought the single and played it on repeat for three days in my room, driving my roommate insane. It got so bad that Emmett actually threw my stereo with the cd in it out of our window to the concrete three floors below. He pretty much told me to quit worrying about the maybe, as it was obviously a never gonna be, and start looking for the could be.
He didn't often make much sense, but those words, they hit home. The next time he asked me to come to some big house party off campus, I didn't give him my usual excuse about papers to hand in or studying to be done. I got dressed up, drunk up and hooked up. The sex was meaningless, and as soon as Em and I headed back in the morning, I knew that I couldn't keep wondering about her.
I'd had relationships over the years, but they always ended before they got too serious. I couldn't bring myself to be with someone who gave their heart to me completely when my own wasn't mine to give at all. I'd already given it to Bella, even if she didn't know it. So, I pushed what I felt for her out of my mind. I cut myself off from her, to the point where her daily phone calls became weekly emails. . . which turned into the occasional text and then nothing at all for years.
I knew that her career only blossomed. That she and Garrett were Nashville's darling couple. Every record they released only did better and better, hitting gold and platinum within weeks. She was everywhere I looked: magazine covers, talk shows, on the internet. She was never far from my thoughts. I bought every release she put out. I listened to her sing daily - songs about love lost, songs about love gained, songs so full of happiness and joy that they didn't seem to be right for her 'country' genre.
Shit, her CDs I quickly got up from where I'd been polishing the underside of my coffee table and removed all her albums from my CD rack. I didn't want her knowing just how closely I'd followed her career when I'd never even bothered to acknowledge it before.
I threw them all into a box under the kitchen sink. She'd have no reason to look under there so I knew my little obsession would be safe. Just as I was pushing the box to the back of the cupboard and rearranging the many cleaning goods I owned, I heard her.
"Jester, you always had a great ass in a pair of Levi's, but that isn't what I expected to see walking into your home." The new southern twang that she'd gained over the years was evident in her voice.
Her unannounced entrance scared the shit out of me. I jumped back quickly, slamming the top of my head on the edge of the cupboard. Rubbing my hand over the quickly rising lump, I stood up and turned to face the girl who was laughing hysterically at me in my doorway.
She took my breath away.
After all the years apart, I'd only seen her on award shows and magazine covers, and none of that did any justice. The spectacular woman who was in in my house, in my kitchen, was stunning. From the black cowboy boots with the red flowers embossed on the sides, up along her long, shapely denim clad legs, to the white button up shirt, cinched around her tiny waist by a large belt with an off center, shiny silver buckle. She was beautiful on television but here in the flesh, she took my breath away. The first few buttons of her shirt were undone, and with the angle of her body, her hands slapping her thighs, I could see the slightest hint of a white lace bra where a silver necklace hung between her ample bosom. Her hair was swept up high into a long pony tail, the cascade of curls forming a waterfall that shook with each bubble of laughter that moved her upper torso.
Lastly was her face. As she wiped tears from the corner of her eyes, I saw the sparkle that I'd missed in recent photographs of her. Was being here, laughing at me giving that mirth back to her? She stood up straight, one hand on the counter as I watched her try and check me out in return, without being obvious. Not that I was really noticing anything apart from her face anyway.
There were dark circles under her eyes, something I could tell she'd tried to hide with makeup. Her lips appeared to have retained their full, biteable plumpness, shimmering with a rose pink color that I assumed was part of her makeup contract with Maybeline to use . She smiled widely, taking a step towards me, and before I knew it, she had her arms around my neck. Her lithe body was pressed against mine and after that, all thoughts of continuing my evaluation of differences between Izzy Swan and the Belly I'd grown up with and loved forever ceased to exist.
She was touching me; her warm breath was playing over my neck where her lips were hovering. She must have been standing on her tip toes - I'd always been head and shoulders above her, heightwise. I gently placed my arms around her. My hands itched to clutch at her round ass and press myself fully against her, but she had no idea. I figured it would probably end our time together if I came onto her within the first few minutes. There was that and the fact that she was a married woman.
Married to Garrett. The golden couple of country music, their faces all over CMT. Even if the rumors about them splitting were true, she hadn't said anything over the past few weeks of our emails and phone calls. Who believes what TMZ says about his secret affair with some ex-Disney actress? Or the six page spread in the UK's Hello magazine that they'd actually been separated for the past six months? Was Perez Hilton really that reliable with his photos of what was 'allegedly' Garrett and this amazonian blond haired starlet leaving the Driskill Hotel in Austin after a weekend spent in one of the suites with a rather large amount of room service being ordered?
She hadn't said anything, and I hadn't asked. In reality though, with all that evidence and the tell-tale signs I'd seen on her face and in her mannerisms, I still held out the smallest amount of hope that for once, the gossip columns might have actually gotten it right. Not that I wanted Bella to be in any pain, I didn't want her marriage to be broken in that way. No one deserved to be cheated on, if the reports were true.
Yet the little voice in the back of my head cheered at the thought that she might be available, that finally I might have a chance to reveal what I'd hidden, pushed back into the farthest recesses of my mind, for far too long.
"Lord, you smell good, Jay," she murmured against me as I rubbed my hands up and down her warm back. She felt the same. How was it possible that she still felt so right in my arms?
I pulled back a little, not wanting her to feel the way Little Jay was trying valiantly to escape the confines of his denim clad prison. Having Little Jay show up now was definitely not the way I wanted to start our catch up dinner. I lifted my arms up to her shoulders and squeezed them lightly, leaning back to see her face lit up with that smile I knew and loved.
"Now, Belly, I know for sure your mother taught you to knock before entering. What if I was naked in here or something?"
"Jester, it would surprise me greatly if you ever walked around naked in this house. You may have bought it from your parents three years ago, but I'm certain you still feel like it's their home. I bet you still put on your robe before you leave your bedroom in the morning!" She chuckled and let her hands slip from my neck to my chest.
Her hands burned into my skin over my lightweight olive shirt. I knew she always loved me in green - something about how it made my eyes sparkle. She'd make me wear some form of it to any dates I was set up on with her friends back in high school. It was a no brainer to pick out clothing I knew she would approve of when I'd gotten dressed earlier.
"I'll have you know I'm quite the nudist now, Belly. I actually only put clothes on because I was having company, and just what would your husband think of you walking in on me in that position?" I teased, not realizing that I just brought up the one subject I didn't intend on mentioning. Well, at least not this early into our time together.
When she ducked her head and turned her back to me, I was left stuttering an apology. Internally I was kicking myself. She was here, I had a great night planned for us, and there I went, putting my foot in my mouth within the first five minutes.
"Gee, Jasper. Here I was thinking we could start off slow with maybe how your health is and who we thought might have gotten lipo in our class." She laughed lightly, but I could hear it was forced.
I walked over to where she stood in the door frame, reaching out to put my hand on hers, hesitating for a moment before I let it drop back to my side.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean –"
She cut me off with a shake of her head, turning around with a small smile on her face. "It's okay, Jay. You didn't say anything you shouldn't have. I guess I just thought we'd say hello before we started in on the personal stuff." She sighed and looked looking up at me through those dark lashes that framed the eyes that I loved.
"Hello, Bella."
She chuckled, this time sounding a lot more like she meant it. "Hello, Jasper."
"Great, so now that we've got that out of the road, do you want a drink before dinner?"
"Sure," she smiled, picking my hand up from where it lay by my side, "We've got a lot of catching up to do, and I'm darn sure a cold beer would only help in our situation!"
xxxOOOxxx
Everything but one thing in particular: Garrett and their relationship status.
I understood why she might not want to discuss it, but I really, really wanted to know if I was holding out hope for no reason or if I had a chance but I didn't want to upset her by bringing it up if she wasn't ready to talk about it.
"Ah geez, Jay. I've eaten more good food here with you in the last four hours than I have in..." she paused, tapping the top of her Rainier beer bottle against her pouty lips. "Hmm, since Christmas with Mom and Dad back on the ranch last year!" She giggled.
"You have a ranch?" I asked, continuing to rub the arches of her feet. She'd begged for a foot rub about thirty minutes earlier, mentioning that her new boots hurt her feet. Of course I'd agreed, not really putting up much of a fight because it allowed me to touch her skin. Even if it was just her feet... she did have such pretty feet.
She shook her head, her hair swinging around her upper body. She'd pulled out her hair tie earlier in the evening. She leaned back, downing the last of her drink before reaching over to put it straight on the coffee table, ignoring the coasters I had put out earlier. It was definitely going to leave a ring, but I couldn't really find it in my heart to be worried about it. Not with her feet on a pillow above my lap.
"No, not anymore. It was Garrett's property. It's been in his family for generations, so it just didn't feel right arguing over who should have it in the divorce. I got to keep our home in Santa Monica, though. You remember how we were supposed to go on that road trip after we graduated?" she asked, opening another bottle before relaxing her head back on the over stuffed arm of the grey suede lounge chair.
They were divorced. The little angel that sat on one shoulder, who had kept me from blurting out the question that I'd wanted the answer to the most, was dancing a merry jig with the demon that had been pressuring me to just kiss her and get it over with all night. I gave myself an internal fist pump before I said anything.
"So, you and Garrett, the rumors were true? Not that I was looking or anything, I mean. I try not to because they only print what they want everyone to think. I mean, it's not like they even know the real you and what's going on in your life and all and, Belly, please stop this verbal diarrhea I've got going on here. Anytime now would be good."
I felt my face redden at all the words that just spilled from my mouth. I nervously rearranged my black rectangular frames on my nose where they'd started to fall down. Good to see that while the angel and demon were partying it up, my brain just got away with releasing words without a second thought.
"It's okay, Jay. It's probably going to come out this week anyway." She sat up a little, drinking just about half of the newly opened bottle that had been previously resting on her stomach. She shifted on the chair so that she was sitting up, legs crossed, her eyes focused on her finger that was circling the lip of the bottle.
I moved the cushion behind me and copied her position. My fingers itched to touch her, maybe hold her hand through this, but her body language said to just leave her alone for the moment.
She sighed, her eyes flickering to mine before moving back to the bottle and then, she started.
"Well, the gossip magazines have pretty much got it right. We aren't together anymore. He's with Kate. I've met her and she's lovely and I really couldn't be happier for them. We didn't have that huge fight like Perez claimed last week. We couldn't have, because they were at her parents' home in Canada and I was with my mom in Florida. We have been to the Stock Yard Steak House and had dinner before, though - that part of the story is true." She said, her eyes meeting mine again, searching for something that I hoped my smile gave her.
Bella's tongue came out to lick her lips before she continued, "So yeah, Garrett and Kate have been together for about a year now. He met her about three months after we separated, and once our divorce comes through next week, I know he's planning on asking her to marry him. They're perfect for each other. Garrett and me - I guess you could say we grew apart. We got married too soon after High School. Neither of us were prepared for my career to take off the way it did, and once things started getting big for me, well, we pretty much clung onto each other. Marriage was just a part of that. I know I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't the forever kind of love you know? It just wasn't meant to be."
She smiled at me then, and if it hadn't been for the small amount of wetness gathered at the corner of her eyes, I wouldn't have believed she was okay.
"You know I'm here for you right, Bella? I know I haven't been around for a while now, but if you need me, I'll get to you as fast as humanly possible." I couldn't help myself. I had to reach out and touch her. My hand moved on its own, rubbing over the round of her shoulder.
She nodded and leaned her head to the side, locking my hand in place before turning her face even more and pressing her lips over my knuckles.
If the pillow wasn't covering my lap, I'd definitely be having quite the pants problem on show right now.
I shifted my glasses again out of habit, was a nervous tic I'd had back then and still hadn't been able to shake.
"I've missed you, Jay. I've missed having someone truly care about me, not just what album I was putting out next or how good my next emotional break down would be for selling records."
My thoughts flew at a million miles an hour. That was it. That was my in. This time I'll tell her everything. I'll finally stop sitting back, fading into the background of her life and let her know what I feel and have basically felt forever. I won't let anything stop me this time, not my stupid stutter, not hiding behind my thick, coke bottle glasses, not my shaking, sweaty palms. There isn't anything or anyone that will get in my way this time.
Yet as I opened my mouth, she kept talking, not even taking a breath.
"I've missed you, Jasper. Why didn't we stay in touch? Why did we let our friendship go? You were - no, are my best friend. How did we drift so far apart?"
I had no words to offer her. I was too busy swallowing back a groan as she grasped my hand in hers. My skin burned with every light touch of her finger as she traced the deep lines that covered my palm like a road map to my life. Her fingertip moving slowly over the scar that ran up most of my forearm. She'd been there for that injury, too. I'd fallen out of our tree house and ripped my arm open on a piece of tin we'd been trying to drag up the trunk to use for our roof. I'd had to get seventeen stitches.
"Once upon a time, Jasper, I thought you were it for me, you know?" Her eyes evaded mine, concentrating on the path her fingers were tracing, the unbound chocolate waves of her hair spilling in front of her face like a curtain keeping us apart.
"I thought - and so did my Dad actually - that you and I would grow up and go to college, get married and have a family. I had such a stupid crush on you over the summer holidays before our Junior year began. Remember, that's when you were trying to teach me how to play that game on your computer? WoW wasn't it?"
I nodded again, completely stunned at her revelation. She liked me back then? She had a crush on me?
Her Dad had thought we were going to get together? He'd never said a word. Not even when I'd moved back here. Not even when we'd caught up for a beer and dinner every Thursday night at the Lodge. Not one word.
Then again Jasper, you never said anything either.
And neither had she.
Till now.
"Bella?"
"It's okay Jay. I know it was a long time ago and everyone moves on from High School crushes. I guess it's the beer or the fact that I'm here and you're here and you made my favorite dinner, and you had my favorite ice cream and you even got our beer."
She leaned in close, rising almost up on her knees and bringing our joined hands dangerously close to her crotch. Her hair tickled my chin as she virtually nuzzled my chest, just above where my shirt opening was.
"And that, that smell that is just you." I could feel her warm breath on my skin, moving along the edge of my collar and up over my neck.
Yet again, I'm extremely happy to have that pillow still covering the effect she's having on my body.
"You smell so good, Jay." Her voice was just above a whisper in the absolute dead silence of the room - if you discounted the sound of my heart racing and the blood whooshing through my ears.
"How do you remember all this stuff, Jasper? How do you know all these things about me? Not even my ex husband knew that I liked shaved Parmesan, not grated."
She moved forward again, so close I could feel her body heat like a layer between us.
I answered without thinking, "I remember everything, Bella." My tone was soft as I tilted my face towards her. She was resting her head on my shoulder. Her hands sat upon my chest.
Her hair was covering her face, but I could feel her pause. I could only imagine the shock in her eyes as I continued. "I've never forgotten a moment between us."
I pushed her back, knowing that if I was going to finish what I had to say, I had to be able to look into those same dark brown depths that had haunted me for as long as I could remember. "Bella, I could never forget you."
Her eyes widened and I held my breath, realizing that in just those few words, I'd managed to say everything I had been wanting to say over the past fifteen years.
"Really?"
"Really."
Her laughter echoed about the room and for a moment, and my heart descended with my stomach to someplace under the floor boards.
Not the reaction I had been hoping for.
Not at all.
Though it was the one I had always expected.
"Memory like an elephant," I attempted to joke and failed abysmally, my tone falling flat.
She was shaking her head from side to side, her hands gripping my shirt as her laughter continued.
That problem in my pants I had earlier and didn't think would go away? Certainly gone now.
"Come on, Belly. It wasn't that funny."
Her laughter was finally slowing into snickers and snorts with the occasional hiccup as she met my gaze. I could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes again. Well at least this time it's not from me shoving my foot in my mouth . . . oh wait, it is.
"Oh, Jasper." She sighed and cupped my face in her hands. "To think, all that time wasted. You liked me and I liked you. All these years, all the moments we've missed out on. What we could have had -" She pressed her forehead to mine, a move that gave me the little courage I needed along with her words to finally, finally put everything out there on the line. No jokes. No laughing. Just me, wanting her to want me back.
"What we still can have. I love you Bella. I've always loved you, and I think you've always loved me too. If you'll have me, Belly, I'll spend the rest of my days making up for the ones we've lost."
She closed her eyes and smiled a real smile - my smile. I watched, enthralled, barely breathing as she shifted back a little, the tip of her nose rubbing against my own, the heat of her lips burning mine without even touching them.
"I think I'd like that, Jasper. First, I think we should catch up with kisses, because your lips have been driving me insane since I walked in the door."
My lips met hers and everything just clicked into place. There were questions still to be answered; there were words that needed to be said. Yet none of that mattered as her hands wound into my hair, pulling me close. I couldn't think of a single cause for concern as I pulled the two of us backwards onto the lounge, my hands wrapped around her hips, finally exploring every inch of her body that I'd previously only dreamed of touching. That kiss led to several more. Then, clothes were shed on the way to the bedroom, and then we shared more and more kisses until we lost count and didn't care anymore.
She was home, and she was here with me. She wasn't just the girl next door anymore.
She was mine.
~ooOOoo~The End~ooOOoo~
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